I have been a sounding board for numerous people who refuse to take accountability for their role in situations that unfolded in a less than optimal manner. In the past, I would listen and walk away just exhausted from the encounter, which is not healthy. It felt like the person filled the air with poison fumes and left me to breathe in all that bad stuff. It isn’t healthy for either party actually. In defense of my mental well-being, I had to start establishing friendly boundaries. If a person wants to offload on me, they have to be prepared to hear what I have to say in response. Otherwise I politely cut short the encounter and put them on my version of the “do not fly list”, which means they do not get to dump on me and run anymore.
Initially, I put forth the effort to respond in a respectful and caring fashion, which I’ve worked to refine over the years to redirect the focus back on the complaining party. My response, “if issues involving you as ‘victim’ manifest consistently in your life, the common denominator is you. It’s your responsibility to evaluate the role you play in the matter and take necessary action to transform personally with the intention of achieving a positive outcome. In reality, you can only change yourself. Trying to change another person is a senseless waste of time and energy. You have a choice to implement self-control in the matter.” After sharing my thoughts, I hit the refresh button. You see, encounters with friends and family living in the “it’s their fault not mine bubble” costs you and I precious resources. We will never be able to improve the situation for them. Hitting refresh and moving on from the matter is important. Dwelling on issues with a perpetual victim will cause you to suffocate right along with them (remember the instructions to put on your oxygen mask first).
So, my list expanded this week after an encounter with a colleague who literally trapped me in my office as I was leaving for an appointment. In spite of the fact that I told her I had to be somewhere, she insisted on unloading, blocking the door as I tried to squeeze by her. She came back later and added to the pile of garbage she dumped on me earlier that day, which is when I made the decision to stop the madness. I feel compassion for her but recognize that she enjoys complaining, thrives on conflict, and is not ready to change. It is as if she goes through life looking for skirmishes. No more for me, I have to cut her off for now.
Does this mean I am a perfectly evolved person who does not ever find myself feeling like a victim and occasionally dumping a load of bad juju on friends? Absolutely not! But when I do, I have to take my own medicine. A dose of identifying my role in the situation always clears things up for me (sometimes it takes a couple of doses). Then I am ready to move forward. I also apologize to the person who I subjected to my bad behavior and if necessary to those who witnessed me being a victim. I refuse to allow my humanness to get in the way of relationship with others and I certainly want to keep growing and evolving, which requires me to ask “what is my role and how can I change?” For those of you who struggle to say the words “I’m sorry it is my fault”, try it sometimes, it is like a breath of fresh air.
