Impostor!

Do you ever feel like an impostor in your own life?  At times I do!

My most poignant memory of feeling like an impostor occurred in August 1994.  Phoning the Arizona State Board of Accountancy caused my pulse to race resulting in me being drenched in anxiety sweat.  I recall getting a busy signal repeatedly, redialing the number several times made me even more anxious but I had to keep trying.  My persistence was driven by the desire to know if I passed the Certified Public Accountants exam.

Just a few days before I had spoken with an associate who informed me that exam scores were being mailed the following week, but if I wanted to know my results I could call and ask if I was on the “successful candidates list”.  It was August and I had already spent several months considering my fate since sitting for the exam administered in May.   My friend shared that the policy at that time was that only the names of people successfully passing the exam would be confirmed by the staff over the phone.  If an exam taker failed any of the four sections the name would not be on the list.

After several minutes, finally, I reached a human being on the other end of the phone.  Shaking in anticipation, I asked if I was on the list.  Her response, “Yes, that candidate is on the list as passing all four sections of the exam.”

“Are you sure it says I passed all four sections?”, I cautiously inquired.

Certain that she made a mistake, I held my breath as she repeated, “Yes, that name is on the list.”

“That means I passed the exam, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.” she answered as patiently as someone could given she had the same conversation with several other candidates like me already that morning.

I thanked her and crumbled into a heap on the front steps of my apartment.  I was in shock.  The tears running down my cheeks expressed my relief, joy, and excitement.  After savoring the moment, the dread hit me like I was being punched in the stomach.  She made a mistake, I thought to myself.  She had to be wrong.  There was no way I could have done what less than ten percent of candidates do, passing all four sections on the first attempt.  Was I really on the path to becoming a CPA?  Or would someone call and say, sorry we made a mistake, you actually failed.

In hindsight, it disappoints me that I doubted myself.  I know how focused and committed I was preparing for the exam.  I did the work, I followed the rules, and succeeded.  But I let the low expectations set for me by others and the messaging of skeptics creep into my consciousness, leading to self-doubt and the fear of being an impostor.

Throughout my life, the feeling of being an impostor has caused me to work harder at building my skills, bolstering my resume’, as if I needed the validation of naysayers.  Pursuing advanced degrees and gathering knowledge became an obsession, my purpose.  Like many women in leadership I felt the need to have all the boxes checked to be considered for meaningful and challenging new opportunities, unlike my male counterparts, who research has proven will pursue opportunities if they feel remotely qualified for a role.

I know that I am an intelligent, qualified, hard-working leader who is an asset to my organization.  Does this mean, the old impostor syndrome will not resurface, probably not.  But I am doing the work and will continue doing so until I retire in about thirty years (the beach isn’t calling yet).

When self-doubt dares to show up, I say, not this time!  I am not an impostor, I earned my seat at the table.  If you feel the same, consider your body of work and the skills you contribute.  You and I are not impostors, we add value and unique perspectives.

Maya

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