A Closed Chapter

A few quick questions from the judge and my brief responses to those interrogations changed my life today. One moment I was a wife, the next I became single again. Standing before the judge, was overwhelming. At one point the gravity of the moment hit, causing me to lose control for a minute. The judge motioned to the desk behind me. A solitary box of tissues strategically placed there for people like me who suddenly felt the weight of the room pressing down upon them. I stood alone with my attorney wiping away tears as I responded to each question quietly.

“Yes, your honor I have been a resident of Arizona for ninety days.” I answered. “No ma’am I am not with child. No, I do not think counseling will save my marriage. No we did not have a covenant marriage. Yes, I would like to have my name changed back to my maiden name. Yes, I would like you to honor the terms of the agreement filed by my attorney.”

I clumsily grabbed a single tissue from the box as I prepared to exit the courtroom not wanting to acknowledge the fact that I would probably need several more before making it downstairs to the clerk’s office, where a stranger would put a date stamp and signature on the stack of papers, enacting a hard stop to the last six years of my history. Chapter closed.

Three and a half years ago I stood in front of friends and family pledging eternal love to my life partner and best friend. Today I stood in front of a room full of strangers who watched me tentatively approach the bench and attest to the fact that my marriage was irreparably broken. I don’t look forward to the next few months explaining how and why I decided to walk away from the person I love deeply. But I will try to briefly explain here.

You see my actions are merited by the simple fact that I love myself enough to know when to set healthy boundaries and terminate a relationship that does not nurture my soul. This decision has tormented me for months (actually years), causing me angst and heartache. He I’m sure, experienced similar angst and heartache.

I did not expect to see my partner seven days a week because of the nature of his career. However, having the pleasure of his company one day in a six-month period this year has not been sufficient enough for us to maintain a healthy partnership. Not being seen as an integral part of his life hurt. I repeatedly suffered the embarrassment of explaining to friends and family why it was again that my friend, lover, husband was not going to attend a special function. It hurt even more that I repeatedly begged to be put on his calendar and could never quite make it to the top of the priority list. I am pretty self-sufficient but even I need to hang with my best friend on a regular basis. One week, became a month and finally half a year. Explanations about career demands (I deem them excuses) were not the salve to sooth my wounded soul. With each passing day my patience was challenged as I longed to see my friend. I became angry and terse in my interactions with him. Eventually the hurt became too much to tolerate. I began to numb myself to any and all emotions; immersing myself in school, career, and volunteering to forget the hurt resulting from our love withering on the vine. The hurt of not being enough became unbearable!

Have you ever felt invisible to someone you love? It began to feel like I was disappearing into the fabric of my partner’s life. This feeling was made more poignant when he described to me the very special day a jazz giant took the time to visit his ailing mother. My partner described in detail that special moment, fondly remembering everyone who was in the room, recounting the fact that he has pictures commemorating that day. Why did I feel like I was disappearing you ask? You see, he remembered everyone in the room except the person that I had hoped was most important to him (with exception of his mother), me. I took the pictures that he cherished so deeply. Actually, I drove the band members and my partner to the house for the visit, but he did not remember I was there helping to create that very special moment. Oh, that really cut deep.

I do not need to disparage my former husband to justify my decision to prioritize myself first and foremost, so I need not demonize him to make myself appear as a saint. I share this experience to demonstrate to my daughter (who quietly observed the diminishing bond with my spouse) and any other person in a relationship that is not nurturing your soul, that you are worthy of the love you desire and drastic actions are sometimes required. You deserve to be respected and to live wholeheartedly. If you are able to do so in a loving, nurturing relationship I am happy for you. However, if your partnership does not propel you forward or it hinders your spiritual growth by keeping you from living your highest purpose, change is necessary.

My prayer for you is that you are able to course correct without terminating a relationship. But I also pray that you have the courage to do what is appropriate and I hope you are safe in doing so.

This journey has been challenging and I certainly would not have survived without the many prayers and supportive shoulders of the ladies in my “soul circle”. I have leaned heavily upon each of them these past three years.

I am sad and hurt about lost love but I expect that with each passing moment, time will act as a healing unguent for my soul, freeing me to feel emotions deeply again. Being able to share with you is a blessing.  The act of being transparent has erased any shame that I would normally feel about my marriage coming to an end. I am human so failure is an expected consequence of a life well-lived. I am holding my head high and moving towards light.