Yesterday I read about Michelle Obama receiving a series of text messages from her mom regarding her crowd pleasing Grammy Awards appearance. The story left me feeling a bit sad for every daughter who did something amazing in the eyes of the world only to be brought back down to earth by a less than lukewarm reception from mom.
In that instance, I felt as though I owed my precious daughter a million apologies for failing to be anything less than over the top happy for her as she basked in the light and glory of her accomplishments. You see, I was that mom who was afraid to raise a prideful child so I often intentionally did not simply say, “I am proud of you, well done.”
I attest that I was absolutely harder on her than my son. Because he seemed to need less external praise than my sweet daughter. I did not want her seeking acknowledgement from the wrong people, I was attempting to make her self-sufficient by withholding praise. I desperately wanted her to be a person who did not need external affirmation of her worth. Boy did I miss the mark with both of them but more so with her.
Looking back now, I can honestly say, I was wrong! My child often came to the one person she trusted to get support (not approval) and I failed her. I now believe it is never wrong to say to someone you love, “job well done” followed by a warm embrace.
Acknowledging a child’s success does not preclude a parent or guardian from continuing to encourage bar-raising, continuous improvement, and humility. We owe it to them to expect excellence in execution with a dose of intellectual humility. A hug and recognition takes such little energy with powerful impact.
Looking back, I know both my children would have appreciated more encouragement and less drilling home the need to always do better from me. They are each tremendously humble, grounded, and successful. They also each have core values which ensure they will continue to expect much from themselves.
So, I owe apologies to my children.
To my daughter I beg your forgiveness for my unwillingness to say “I am proud of you, go girl!” Sweet child, you are a genuinely gifted woman. I am proud of you. I believe in you. I love you with all of my heart.
To my son, I respect the man you have become. I admire and love you. If I ever made you feel less than, I am sincerely sorry.
To my friends who are reading these words, if you slightly resemble the person I described in this conversation from my heart, consider the need to apologize to someone who desired your words of encouragement or affirmation but did not receive them from you. Only you can determine if this resonates deep within your soul and necessitates your action.
For me it took seeing in writing the words of another mother directed at her child and experiencing sadness as a result to know that I owed my children an apology.