I beg for your indulgence as I find my way through this difficult conversation with you my friends and family. You see I have been struggling to build up the courage to get real with you about my thoughts on Love. Like the air we breathe, the food we eat, and the water we drink, Love is essential for our well-being. It’s amazing when we get it right and gut-wrenching when we screw it up. I believe that it is powerful, life-changing and nurturing. Love is a treasure that we seek from the moment we take our first breath until we are gifted with our last.
Since I was a little girl, I thrived on the Love heaped upon me by my mommy and daddy, my grandfather and grandmother, and my siblings. Early on, I got that it was good to be cared for unconditionally! Packaged in snuggles, butterfly kisses, acts of service, and bear hugs it has life-sustaining energy. I think we are all born with this amazing capacity to Love but somewhere between being born and dying, our experiences of humanness has the capacity, if we allow it, to taint the true essence of Love. If we are not mindful of the need to put in the work on ourselves and to be aware of whom we allow into our lives, our experiences with Love, can hurt. Without self-awareness and self-love, the brokenness we endure in relationship with other imperfect human beings can interfere with how we show up in relationships with ourselves and with others.
I often wonder why the one thing that sustains us is also what hurts the most when we don’t quite get it right. So, let’s back up a bit. What do I mean by humanness? Speaking for myself, I recognize that my fear of being hurt or abandoned, and most importantly fearing not being seen as a precious life partner worthy of being prioritized, contributes to me shying away from being all in when in relationship with another. I’ve suffered hurt inflicted by people closest to me, intentionally and most often unintentionally. I still feel sick to the stomach when I think of one of the most hurtful moments I’ve endured in Love. It was the moment when the “other” woman called to let me know we were both seeing the same man. He’d told each of us we were the one! I was planning our wedding and he was with another woman. The person with whom I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with was shacking up with someone else. I remember having to pull my car off the road to compose myself after that call. I was experiencing dry retching from the shame, hurt, and anger that consumed me. I loved him so deeply and could not fathom how or why he could disrespect me so wantonly. It was numbing to realize I was not held in high esteem by the man I entrusted with my heart, with my Love. He was not the first nor the last to betray my Love.
When I was in college, my boyfriend and I had a special date night planned to mark a milestone in our relationship. We had expensive tickets to a Kennedy Center event. It was so exciting to plan for a night on the town in Washington, DC. I bought a beautiful dress, spent hours doing my hair and makeup to surprise the man I had grown to care deeply for. Ready fifteen minutes early, I anxiously awaited his arrival. It was a rainy night so when he was ten minutes late I didn’t worry, thinking the weather was a factor. But he didn’t call, ever! I waited for hours, dressed in my Sunday best with concert tickets in hand. I was so ashamed that I’d never heard from him that night or ever again, that I could not turn to my friends for comfort. I was a sucker and did not want anyone to know. For months I obsessed over the fact that I was not enough for him. Not pretty enough. Not sexy enough. Not enough to earn and keep his attention.
Years later I found myself waiting again for Love. My daughter was quite young when my husband and I decided moving to Phoenix would yield more career opportunities for the two of us. I would make the move first, which meant we were living hundreds of miles apart. The intent was for me to establish a Phoenix base for our family and to find a job . I’d agreed to to make the move in spite of the fact that I had been offered a lucrative job with a regional public accounting firm after passing the CPA exam. I was willing to make the sacrifice for our future. After the move, I’d excitedly wait for my husband’s return home each Saturday night after he’d finish with his clients in Tucson. I always made sure to have dinner prepared and kept warm so we could share a family meal together when he walked in the door. Those Saturday evenings were precious to me. I cherished them and anticipated them with the nervous energy of a newlywed bride.
I was really ashamed of letting my friends and family know that I was waiting for my husband to come home each weekend for family time. Waiting for his Love became my normal. We had a bay window in an upstairs bedroom of the house we rented with a girlfriend and her young daughter. I would stare out of that window anticipating my husband’s arrival so we could have dinner and catch up on the events of the week. My heart would flutter and my entire body would become warm and tingle when I’d see his black sedan turn the corner. I lived for those nights. However, it did not take long before he stopped coming home on Saturday evening, opting instead to come home Sunday morning because he was too tired or had some other business to tend to in Tucson. I ending up spending many nights, mornings, afternoons, and eventually weekends, crying as I curled up in that bay window waiting for Love to come home to embrace me. I hid my tears from Desi as I tried to create a sense of normal for our small family, when nothing was really normal. I could not understand why Love alluded me, why I was not enough. I gave up on Love and focused on building my career. My energy was redirected to creating financial security (safety) and caring for my family, which now included an infant son, born as my marriage ended. I put my heart into a virtual vault, numbing emotions that bubbled up for anyone outside of the cocoon of my immediately family. If Love was not going to come home to me, I would abandon it!
My focus was shifted to creating order, safety, and a providing a Loving home for my children. I now know myself well enough to acknowledge that I am a bit of a control freak. When life is orderly I thrive. In the absence of order – otherwise known as chaos- I hyper focus and withdraw into my cocoon to regain control and to reclaim a sense of safety. I began to associate being in romantic Love with chaos and lack of safety. Love only brought me hurt and showered me in shame.
Now, in my seasoned years, after putting in hundreds of hours of work on myself, I’ve gathered enough wisdom to know that to be Loved I must deeply Love myself first. To be honored, I have to believe that I deserve to be placed on a pedestal and most importantly, numbing myself to avoid hurt means that I’ve closed myself off from the joy of connection. Real connection, means I let people see the good, bad, and ugly of Maya, without the shame of imperfection.
I am learning that to Love intensely, in a way you have to give in, basically let go of “control”, which is scary as hell for me. Imagine a roller coaster ride (can you tell that I am a roller coaster geek). Think back to that moment when you crest the peak and plunge into the first big drop. It is dizzying, terrifying, and exciting all at once. If you are anything like me, you’re thinking, STOP AND LET ME OFF, NOW! Control is not something you have in that second before the drop. For me, Loving unconditionally equates to being on that wild crazy ride. It’s exhilaration mixed with the fear of what is to come (the unknown). The ride itself makes you scream and laugh through all the twists and turns. When it is all over, you jump off and exclaim, “that was fun, let’s ride it again!”
Loving unconditionally, is that big scary roller coaster that I approach with caution but want to keep riding. As scary as it is and as hard as it is to get it right, I still want a life filled with the exhilaration of Love. You really cannot beat how it feels to be deeply cared for by your children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, friends, and your life mate. If I really desire connection, I have to be willing to walk into the discomfort of imperfection -both mine and the people I choose to Love – and trust that we only want the best for each other. I have to willingly take my hands off the safety bar and trust that Love will persevere and the ride will be wild, exciting, and richly rewarding. It means examination of oneself. Looking ugly in its face and working on being better every single day through mindful observation and work on self.
Staying still in prayerful meditation is essential in the midst of hurt, perceived abandonment, or chaos. Which is an important lesson in this chapter of my life. Recently, my daughter unintentionally hurt me to my core, which reminded me that those closest to us are the ones with the most capacity to toss us into chaos. Sometimes I think we take for granted that those with whom we have Loving relationships are deserving of a little tender Loving care. Instead of letting her know how much she hurt me, I created distance between us so personal healing could take place. Honestly I don’t suggest distancing as a best practice, but it is the one tool that was accessible to me at the time. Allowing space for stillness, reflection, and reconciliation I focused on what I contributed to the situation. Instead of thinking of my hurt feelings I invested energy in understanding why she was so upset and hurt in that moment. I needed to extend grace towards my sweetie. Also, I should have told her how I was feeling in that moment to give her the chance to provide context for her reaction and the hurt she was experiencing.
So often, we forget that when we are interacting in Loving relation with another person, they are in the midst of their own stuff too. Failing to acknowledge another’s inherent imperfection and allowing them to work through what is troubling them is a scenario often repeated with dire consequences in some cases; leading to lost Love and broken hearts.
Recently, my best friend – the man I still deeply Love- and I, lost our way. I abandoned us. Not being eloquent enough, I find it impossible to describe with words how it turned my world upside down to not share my life with him. He is my first true Love. In the midst of our shared imperfection we went off the rails. Our humanness won and we both lost. What I wish is that Love came with a built-in GPS that would tell you when to make a legal U-turn as soon as you veered off-course. Better yet, it would be cool if a giant tech company could come up with a personal assistant that just checks you when a little truth is needed, kind of like the “sister girl” app in the movie “Little”. “Girl you know you need to do XYZ!” It would have saved us both tremendous hurt.
In reality, we do not have apps to help us get the most important thing in life right. What we do have is the perseverance to keep growing, learning, and trying. Courage is looking in the mirror and asking how can I grow? What lesson am I supposed to learn? Personally, I am learning about why safety (emotional, physical, financial) within a relationship is so important to me. I am learning about my fear of being abandoned. A work in progress, I am taking the time to work on me, which of course is something we each should do throughout the duration of our lives.
My personal work revolves around being honest regarding my own humanness, particularly my overwhelming need to be in control to avoid hurt. It entails my knowing when it is safe to trust another, allowing for space to Love freely. I am learning how to communicate when I do not feel safe and how to establish boundaries that are protective but not impenetrable. Lastly, I am learning to ask for what I need from those who I hold close in my heart.
I was able to have that long overdue conversation with my daughter. She understood why I was hurt and I also learned why she was reacting to me in a way that caused us both hurt. It is eye-opening when you have a heartfelt conversation without presupposition. You quickly realize that what you are thinking is the root cause of an issue is usually slightly askew (sometime it is just WRONG). To paraphrase a popular saying: “There is your story, their story, and the truth”. We bring so much of our stuff into the mix when we interact with one another. If we could find a way to listen, REALLY LISTEN, to learn and understand, there is so much our Loved ones are telling us each time they open their mouths and hearts to be in relationship with us.
I am running towards Love and setting a daily intention of listening to and understanding what others are sharing with me as we ride the roller coaster together. We are all worthy to be wrapped in the warm, safe, embrace of Love. I take responsibility for my actions and how I let the actions of others affect me. Love does not equate to chaos, it is the air we breathe. It nurtures, sustains, and connects us to one another. I Love to Love! I am not abandoning Love, instead I embrace the exhilaration it brings.