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The Unimaginable, Motherhood

My girlfriends Tammy and Kathi will tell you the last thing on my mind when I was a teenager was becoming a mom.  We would hang out in one another’s bedrooms and talk for hours about our futures.  When I was in high school, I could not imagine becoming someone’s mommy.  Tammy was surprised every time I mentioned my lack of maternal instinct or “desire”.   Honestly, I was focused on school, band, basketball, and work.  Conceptualizing my life beyond college, was not something I put much energy into at age fifteen.  I worked hard to finish high school and ultimately to leave Arizona so I could attend university in Maryland.

I matriculated for seven years at University of Maryland, working full-time, as I pursued a B.S. degree in accountancy part-time.  I scraped by to feed myself, pay rent, and save money for tuition.  Survival and educational achievement were my primary focus.  Yes, I dated and fell in love once or twice during those years, but I still felt no yearning to bring a child into this world.  My life was organized around and dedicated to the plan of becoming an accomplished certified public accountant with a firm in D.C.

In 1990, during my senior year, life changed one early fall day, when I rolled over in bed. Something felt different.  It hurt to lay on my stomach because my breasts were extremely tender, painful actually.  I’d been dating someone for several months so you know where this is going.  The trip to the pharmacy and a taking a quick pee on a stick transformed my life in unimaginable ways.   Yep, I was pregnant.  The person I was up to that moment disappeared.  It was definitely time for a new plan!

In the first few minutes of panic after the plus sign appeared it felt as though my world rotated off its axis.  I fast forwarded nine months in my imagination, wondering how I was going to take care of an infant making $24K annually in Washington, DC.  In the tiny bathroom of my apartment in Silver Spring, Maryland, looking at myself in the mirror, I formulated a plan to graduate in May 1991, instead of finishing the following summer.   You can do this Maya.  Graduating sooner, would enable me to find a better job so I could provide a home for the baby growing in my tummy.  Buckling down, I registered to take 18 credit hours during the spring semester, which I would complete while working full-time.  I had a new mission and purpose, providing for the human being who was joining me on this life journey.

Morning classes were the toughest early on as I suffered though terrible morning sickness, willing myself to campus each morning.  As my belly grew, and boy did it, I trekked across the hilly College Park campus for class.  I had to sit in the desks sideways because my stomach would not fit if I sat forward facing.  My unborn child fueled a fierce determination in me to achieve at the highest level.   I earned a spot on the Dean’s list and graduated when I was seven months pregnant.  Dean Rudy Lamone, my mentor and former boss (I worked in the Dean’s office of the school of business my first two years of college) gave me a big hug as he presented me with an honors certificate on the stage during commencements.  It was a powerful moment of achievement wobbling through Cole Field House to commence the next phase of my life, a mommy and CPA in the making.

In July 1991, life took on new purpose as I endured 36 hours of labor to deliver a beautiful baby girl.  I still remember the look of surprise on my mom’s face as she entered the airport terminal in Maryland. I was in labor long enough for her to catch a plane and fly across the country to be by my side for the delivery. As I meandered around the campus of the hospital arm-in-arm with my mother, attempting to kick labor into high gear, I anxiously anticipated delivering my child knowing I was beginning the beautiful journey of motherhood. Who is this little person that will call me mother, I pondered?

Women are fierce, strong, and intuitive. That is what I learned the moment she made her grand entrance, in her own time of course.  All of my intentions were now centered around nurturing, protecting, and providing for the beautiful child whose name means “Desire”.  Holding her on my chest as she suckled for the first time, I gazed into her half-opened eyes and professed my commitment to protect and love her unconditionally.  Our lives were now intertwined for eternity.  Not being a mom became unimaginable. I knew instantly, all my life preparation was for that moment.

Motherhood, is alchemistic, I believe it has transformative power. One day all you can think about is yourself and in the blink of an eye all of your thoughts, intentions, and actions center around creating a safe path and meaningful existence for another soul. You focus on their safety and comfort unceasingly. Even when they are fifty-something as my own mom often reminds me, mothers are invested in the well-being of their children. I knew the moment I looked into my child’s eyes that I would be willing to die to protect her from both physical harm and emotional hurt.

My resiliency, fueled by motherhood, prepared me to pry our tiny family away from the brink of poverty, gave me strength to study for the CPA exam with a two-year old bouncing around as I flipped through index cards memorizing mnemonics, and empowered me to build a home of our own.

When my oldest was five, my husband and I were gifted with a handsome son, sealing my fate to be a mommy of two. When I was pregnant, my friend Valerie leafed through the pages of a baby names book as we talked on the phone, calling out names beginning with the letter A and then the letter B. At that time, I was unaware of the sex of my unborn child. Yet, when she called out the name Braxton, I asked her to close the book because that was my child’s name.

I went into labor with my son on tax filing day, quite poor planning for a CPA, right! Clients were calling to ask me to fit them in to file their last-minute tax returns. Instead, I had to file extensions on their behalf as my husband sat across the desk from me counting the minutes and seconds between contractions, initially thought to be Braxton Hicks. At the end of a very long day we journeyed to the midwife’s office to see if we were indeed in labor. Yes, it was time! She sent me home to prepare for a home birth. I labored through the night and into the early afternoon with my doula and midwife by my side before “B” decided to make his appearance, completing our little clan. I still remember Desi jumping onto the bed when she came home from school excited to meet her little brother. As she held him in her tiny arms, snuggled next to me in bed, I was humbled to be chosen as their mommy.

Motherhood is a gift that keeps on giving.  Today, my children are 28 and 24 years-old. They have taught me countless lessons, given my heart extreme joy and occasionally heartache as we each strive to achieve our highest purpose in life. My children and I are separated by thousands of miles, but when I hear their voice on the phone or see their smiles as we FaceTime together, I feel as close to each of them as I did on the day they each were born. I am ever aware of the blessing it is to parent such awesome people.

For me, motherhood is best described as transformative and empowering. As we celebrate Mother’s Day, I thank my beautiful children for helping me to achieve what I once considered unimaginable, being a mommy.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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