Awakening

2020 and early 2021 felt like a bad dream from which I couldn’t awaken myself. Awakening, I was certain, would end the misery caused by isolation from family and friend, loss of loved ones, and cultural and political upheaval. I wanted to ruminate with you via my blog but each time I sat down to write, I felt uninspired and sad because of world events unfolding around me. Certain, that you would not want to hear my plight, since we were all going through it. But, now I am ready to connect through story.

I was in Hyderabad India on business when the COVID crisis in the US began to really turn serious. Anxiously checking the news for word on travel restrictions, my colleagues and I debated canceling the remaining days of our visit to return home. We weighed the risk and decided we would travel home as scheduled, which included spending two days exploring Dubai and marveling at the cultural riches in the country. What never left our minds as we played in the fine sands of the dunes or rode the very cranky camels, was the fact that a very aggressive virus was wreaking havoc at home. If I had known then what I know now, I’d have been more present and appreciative of being among people celebrating life.

Nine days after our return, the US closed its borders and my employer ordered us to test our equipment and internet connectivity at home. With the news that two employees had contracted COVID-19, we were ordered to work from home for the immediate future. Initially, it was easy to pivot to the virtual environment. I was certainly more productive and as a self-described loner, being alone with myself was fine. But as the days, weeks, and months have passed, this situation began to feel less like an opportunity to be more intentional about working smarter and focusing on self-improvement and more like imprisonment and isolation from living or thriving. It felt like I was slipping into a mental slumber, a numbing or sorts to survive the isolation.

I watched the news alone as the BLM movement took hold following the death of George Floyd, Ahmad Arbery, and Breonna Taylor. I was scared, isolated, and feeling helpless as the days unfolded. I just could not make any sense of what I saw on the news each evening. Often, I found it difficult to do anything other than pour myself fully into work. If I thought about the cultural and political unrest, I would cry. All of my social interactions were by Zoom call or FaceTime, which was a welcome relief to the monotony of being isolated in my apartment. The COVID-19 restrictions in our building prevented me from going upstairs to get fresh air and I was very uncomfortable walking the streets of Seattle alone. I spent a full month indoors, without smelling fresh air or seeing another person. It was a blessing when my son came to stay for a few weeks. Having someone to process the events with minimized the sense of aloneness I experienced. We attended protest together and tried to make sense of the bumbling of the COVID-19 response by Trump’s administration.

In the spring, I was grateful to join a group of friends as we began a weekly discussion on “Black Oppression” and the actions we each needed to take to fully understand the causes and effects of racism as manifested in 2020. I am so grateful for that group of Ally’s desiring to be the change we need to turn the tide and right centuries of wrongs in this country. In a sense, this group gave me meaning and helped me to feel connected and alive again, an awakening of sorts. Since spring 2020, I’ve read books on Critical Race Theory, books on being anti-racist, and materials on being an effective ally. Having something other than COVID-19 to direct energy towards was and is still helping me put one foot in front of the other every day.

During COVID-19 I lost my grandmother Norma and my daughter’s grandmother Bobbie. Two beautiful women whose stories are woven into the fabric of my life. I was unable to hug or kiss my grandmother before her death. Norma’s strength and persistence were the qualities I most admired about her, which I tapped into as we said goodbye without a memorial service due to travel restrictions and limitations on group gatherings. We also lost Bobbie in early 2021, as travel restrictions were lifting. My daughter and I flew into a winter storm in D.C. to give her hugs and say a final I love you and good-bye. I still find myself crying when I think of Norma and Bobbie, which is often. I remember being grateful that 2020 was ending and looked forward to 2021, which at the time I bet could not be worse than the year we’d just had. Not only did we start the year with the loss of our dear Bobbie, we witnessed January 6, 2021, in real-time! I don’t know about you but I certainly thought those event would be the turning point to unifying and healing the divide in our country. Certainly, an assault on the Democracy, would unite us and encourage us to open our eyes to the lunacy that the election was stolen.

Today, we are still divided regarding the election and getting vaccinated to protect our fellow human beings. This is certainly something I wish could be dreamt away, but it is our reality. I won’t be silent on these topics any longer, but that is another conversation to be had at another time.

2021 was not living up to my expectations until the vaccination roll-out began. Thank goodness for the vaccine and testing! Without them, I would still be isolated from my mommy and daddy as well as my children, grandchildren and friends. After eight months of isolation, I was able to visit (pre-vaccination), wearing a mask 24/7 for the week (even with a negative COVID-19 test) I could not risk them becoming ill. My children, grandchildren and I also celebrated Thanksgiving together (practicing social distancing). Since being vaccinated, I have been home twice more. I need hugs, kisses, and time with other human beings to feel alive. After my visits, it has made the subsequent months of stay at home restrictions bearable. Now, after 17 months of mostly being alone, I can still say that I am a loner, but I cannot bear living without social connection and interaction. Thankfully, I have a few trips on the calendar, and friends are planning to visit my new digs in Seattle, which thrills me to say the least. I realize that this forum is about connection too. I want and need to ruminate with you so I hope you are onboard. I promise not to stay away so long in the future. I needed time to heal and awaken from what I thought was a nightmare but is in actuality a reality we should experience and navigate together. Until next time, be safe and love the one you’re with!

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